I have just written my accountancy exams so I will have some more time to devote to my blog. I am just on the train back from the exams and am surprised I can still find the energy to type so please bear with me if there are any mistakes made.
I always find it hard to start writing the blog. I don’t want to sound silly or patronising.
I left the story just after my hospital visit to get the dilators
So I took them home in March of the year and pretty much every evening sat on them
It hurt and skin ripped but I was determined to determine to be able to be stereotyped as a ‘normal’ human being
I remember having a specific ruler and continuously measuring the length I was getting. It would have been easier if you could have somehow held the device inside and of got on with other aspects of your life instead of this intruding the in most violent way each day.
I remember the worry of whether I was doing it right and in the right place.
I year on after my diagnosis I had now got to 5cm.
I also had a relationship with a new boyfriend. I have met him a while ago and had already told him about the issues with me. (This will be a running theme). I find it a lot easier to tell people sooner rather than later. I hate the worry of “will they leave me?” I essentially have turned my condition into the relationship test. I don’t know whether this is healthy but I find it a useful way to deal with my condition. If I tell someone and they stick around, at least I know they are accepting me for me.
I was getting closer to my goal and the possibility of proving that I was ‘normal’. In no way did it occur to me that I was too young, too naive, and too immature to be considering having a sexual relationship with the opposite gender. I had one thing to prove to myself and that one thing was my motivation.
My feelings around MRKH have distorted my perceptions of reality and what relationships should be. I partly put this down to be diagnosed so young and the environment I grew up in. I have realised through moving town in my local area that each area teenagers are very different. In Cheltenham it was normal for one to lose their virginity very young but when I moved to a different town for sixth form most girls had not even considered the idea and were starting to go through the process that I went through a couple of years prior.
I think that if I hadn’t felt so pressured to be liked and to be wanted by boys I wouldn’t have taken the path I took. I wanted to feel normal and I wanted to fit in at school.
After being with my boyfriend, George*, for two months I had started to stray. I was a pretty girl who went to a girl’s school and therefore attention from boys was a novel activity. I harshly decided that now was the time to establish I was ‘normal’ and George was the person to do it with. I trusted him and I knew he was a kind person. I wanted to get it over and done with so that I could restart this new life that had been thrown my way. I needed to restart the journey every teenager goes on of finding out that they are.
My first time was excruciatingly painful. I felt like my insides were being ripped apart. But I was still determined to try it again in the same day. You know…. Just to prove that it work ;).
Afterwards I felt a rush of relief. Life was going to be normal. Okay it was painful and I didn’t know why people thought it was pleasurable but at least down there was now working. At least that was one goal for the future ticked off.
I still worried that guys would be able to tell. I remember asking London that quite a lot of times. I don’t think they were overly impressed with my methods and motivations but one thing I have learnt from this and from having an 11 year old step daughter when I was just 19 is that people need to find their own way.
When humans have the ability to think freely there is only so much you can do to influence. There is only so much environment and parental teachings can do. They will reduce the likelihood of the child taking certain decisions but there is always a possibility that the child will make the wrong decisions and with that possibility there is a certain reality that some children will make the wrong decision no matter what their background is.
I suppose from this particular blog entry I want you to feel that we shouldn’t feel abnormal. Okay we are different, but so are hundreds of people. We are still women. We are still beautiful and men still look at us with desire. We make decisions good and bad, but all of the above makes us into who we are today and I am not sure I want to be a women alive without having lived through the experiences my condition has presented
I lost this understanding at the age of 15. It is not something that I or anyone else can teach you. To find out who you are always a painful and rollercoaster of a journey. Even now, I am still coming to terms and learning just as much about me and my condition as that 15 year old losing her virginity to fulfil a selfish need of being accepted.
Please tune in for more
- Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people within the story,