Heart broken again..

To blog today is the hardest blog yet. I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to loose that control in your life over naturally having a child.

Today I met with the ivf clinic to start the process of egg extraction. I found out that the cost of this is likely to be 5k. This was the start of my heart fracture.

The cost is so great when there’s the risk it won’t even work. But the main part of today I want to write about is ones partners place in the journey of a child.

When you find out you think just about your child. You forget that to make a child you need two people. It is hard enough to find a companion in this world, but to find a companion who will also go through that as well.

I’m 24.. I have already been a step mother; I have already been engaged; I have already set myself up for starting ivf. But, now I’m having to readjust to wait. I was going to start ivf at 22. I’m ready for a child. I’m ready to find out what this hurdle brings. I’m scared it won’t work and I want to cross that sooner rather than later.

My partner is taking a much more practical approach of that we/he isn’t ready. He wants to wait 4 years. I really don’t. I feel like my heart is being ripped out again like when I first found out. There is always a reason why not. I cannot even begin to explain how much I want to be moving forward to this, but I can’t. Instead I have to keep going with the endless hope. I’m the endless guilt and unknown. I’m ready. But he isnt. How can one overcome that? 

I really want my mum to surrogate but she is getting older and time is slipping away. What if I miss that opportunity. What if that is my opportunity of a child and that special relationship slipping away. 

I’m terrified. I this is such a critical time for me and I have to have something that works. My partner says we cannot give a child everything, but I can. I can give it so much love it is unreal. 

How does one unscramble the thoughts of practicality, sense and feelings. What should I do? I wish I had the answers

Cheer up

This week is supposedly the most depressing week of the year. I can say that I have certainly felt that way. Ever looming is the start of my ivf. I have no idea what to expect. Will the price be competitive? Will i be able to afford it? Will I need to consider making my eggs into embryos? what will that mean?

All these questions have been spinning and spinning. I know they will be answered in time, but as with many aspects of my life.. crossing bridges when they come has never been a strength of mine.

This week a group of us with MRKH have decided to meet up in Cardiff. I am looking forward to it but also worried to hear about others struggle to get funding and go through the process. I am at the start of the journey and know that there is a battle ahead. Part of me does not want to know how ferocious the battle will be.

I have finally managed to draft the letter to the ccg. I am also going to go to my mp as i cannot just sit aside will some women get IVF cycles and others do not. I pay my taxes as the next person. I understand that the NHS is stretched but I expect the same service as the next person in the country. I do not want to be discriminated against.

I have finally managed to write this letter as I have actually won one of my battles recently. The council when we bought our house put us on band c whereas others in the area are band b. I did not think that I would be able to win so this was a nice surprise. I wanted to frame it. A battle won but the war is still yet to be determined.

I am finding that pushing myself to do all this is very hard. I have become even more overly critical and pursue to be perfect. I know this is counter productive and that I should just concentrate on being happy., At the end of the day how many people at their death regret their life pressures. I doubt many.

I somehow need to learn to move forward. This process is not going to be a short one. but how does one compartmentalize without going mad. So much is riding on a few people and I have no control. I am just waiting on them to decide my fate. and to know that they have probably become desensitized with the number of people they see but I need them on my side.

I need them to be caring and motivated in order to get done what needs to be done and to give me the best opportunity of having a gorgeous baby.

a baby. I suppose it seems all so surreal to me. I cannot imagine going through surrogacy. I just am starting a journey I cannot even contemplate.

thank you for reading this week’s blog.
It will get better and we will all succeed

The thoughts that never far away

As I promised in my last post I am going to start posting regularly. I have even been diligent enough To put an alarm on my phone.

I am currently away skiing this week. Even while in this beautiful environment the thoughts of IVF are never far away. How can you distract yourself? 

I must admit i am finding skiing hard especially on the muscles. Part of me is just finding it hard that I cannot do it and am stupidly linking it to my feelings of inadequacy relating to MRKH.

I know it is wrong to link these but when yourself worth is already delicate this is just increasing the anxiety.

I hate the waiting of IVF. I remember when I first got diagnosed and the waiting between appointments and the unknow future was torture. The start of this journey feels very similar but this time there is a lot of finances at stake.

Within my district the NHS ccg has decided they are not going to give me any funding support. I have queried and other people do get cycles on the NHS. Why do I not?

Why am I being doubly punished. I understand that the NHS is struggling but i pay my taxes as same as the next person. Therefore, why should i not get the same service. I just want equality and I do not see why that is unreasonable. 

These feelings are killing me. The fact that i went cold turkey on my antidepressants is just hard. People say I am more alive but I do not feel it. Anything slightly hard and I just cannot do it. It is a constant battle now, not just to deal with the “normal” MRKH feelings but the others on top.

I do hope that I will feel better especially when I get back to my home comforts and I deal with my issues of not feeling good enough and seclusion.

There will be an end and I cannot wait to start the process as at the end of the day it is exciting.

Thank you for reading. Please do feel free to message or share your feelings.

The start of the next

I have again decided to become more diligent. I need to share my story. I want to help other feel less alone then I have felt.

I am just about to come to my 24th Birthday. I have a stable job; I ahve just bought a new house with my partner. From the outside my friends say how happy I look.

From the inside is a different story. I dont want to whine or appear like I dont appreciate what I have. I really do.

But underneath the surface of a good life is a dark hole that is yet to be filled. A dark hole I walk around trying not to fall in as I am not sure what is at the bottom.

In previosu blogs I have explained the start and various viewpoints about my condition.

Now I am starting on the road to ivf and completing the goal of being able to produce a child.

I can already say this is the hardest thing I have had to contemplate. I feel alone and I have struggled with the old feelings and the depression associated with the MRKH.

My partner’s family do not know that I cannot carry a child and I worry they will think I am not good enough for their son when they find out.

I am scared that it will not work.

I dont want to wish my life way but to this particular path I want to know the conclusion and have the reassurance that it will turn out okay.

I do not want to become one of those women who define themselves by having a child and keep going through ivf which is traumatic in itself.

All these thoughts have swirled around my head.

This has come to the front of the thoughts as I am trying to get my eggs frozen. I have been refused funding which in itself is a huge mental difficulty. Apparently my condition is not rare enough and then when I went to an appointment the nurse said how rare it was. The irony of the NHS is unreal. Because I will have surrogacy apparently that is a reason to refuse funding of the part that most women get access to… The logic of this I cannot explain…and so, like many other women with my condition, have to fight, not just to feel accepted in a world where whether we like it or not women are sexualised and expected to produce children, but also to fight institutions who are unfairly discriminating against our condition.

The complexity of emotions is so hard to untangle. I love our NHS but sometimes it just baffles me. The doctors themselves think it is ridiculous. therefore I ask, which person came up with these rules and why.. Why did they single out women like me. What logic did they make this decision on.

and then I have to pay for a service and do not know whether I am getting a comparatively good deal or whether the NHS is ripping me off just to make money.
Worst of all is the attitude of the fertility unit themselves. Considering I am going to be paying you would expect some sort of service but no.

I want to share this journey I am about to begin to raise awareness of the fight I know is on the door step and for women to know – You are beautiful the way you are!

My daily happy pill instead of contraception

Instead of having to take contraception, my contraception is my anti-depressants. That pill that you must remember to take otherwise you will have to face the consequences. A pill that allows you to make decisions about your life instead of nature taking its course. Both allow you have control over your life. The ironic thing being is that my pill is due to the fact I don’t have to take the contraception pill.

Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror and just wishing that my stomach would grow; that I would be sick in the mornings. This is what MRKH leaves you with. An empty whole in your psychology that can never be defined or replaced. It dominates your life. All you want is to have those jitters. Suddenly everything in the world becomes less important. Your career is not the end goal. You do not mind about your house. You want that single thing you cannot have and that many people are trying to prevent. You want that child..

The Serial Dating

We are at that time of year again where i self reflect. I started this blog almost a year ago and I haven’t been the most diligent blogger. I would love to be able to be this honest as a try to be more often but it takes me a while to sort my head out to be able to evaluate it on here.

Back in September my boyfriend split up with me, this has since spiralled several events in my life. I have spent over 4 months now running away from life and trying to find someone who loves me and will be there. I have to say the least failed at this. I have instead struggled to deal with my emotions but I would have to say that I am suceeding.

I have managed to go through the constant heart ache of falling for the wrong guys and yess I am still standing just..

I reacted, after the ex split up with me, as I knew i would. I partied my problems away. I thought that after a few months I would find someone fall in love again and settle down. I would say this hasnt happened and instead I have been lead down a path of self evaluation about myself, personality and MRKH.


The replay of the beginning

I have been quiet again recently but now it the best time to restart.

I have started the process of IVF

I keep getting problems with down there and I am just terrified that something is going to happen so I am getting my eggs frozen. I have so many mixed feelings about whether this is the right thing or whether we (as humans) should be allowed to do this.

I want to have a child, but i question whether im selfish. Not because of my condition but because of the world we live in today. Do I want to bring a child into a world where a career is more important that protecting the world. Where society determines that to have emotions or feelings is wrong and to ‘not care’ is the way to be.

I sit there questioning whether in this world where energy is so precious and I want to be environmentally friendly, whether me having a child is against that. It requires technology and technology is the main cause of environmental difficulties.

These are just the minor issues of guilt before I get on to the associated feelings with MRKH. To start this process has been hard. The NHS has been harsh. There is no feeling left in the NHS. They view me as an interesting object – not a person.

Then the IVF is a totally different story. They are saying I have to pay for IVF but then they are providing the same crappy service. Why should I pay thousands for them to be unprofessional, uncaring and grumpy. They should be jumping for joy that I can actually afford to pay.

This is just my preliminary thoughts on the journey that is beginning.

I haven’t even started to consider the interaction of work who I have to keep asking whether I can take time for hospital appointments.

Next time I will give further detail.

Thanks for following