Heart broken again..

To blog today is the hardest blog yet. I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to loose that control in your life over naturally having a child.

Today I met with the ivf clinic to start the process of egg extraction. I found out that the cost of this is likely to be 5k. This was the start of my heart fracture.

The cost is so great when there’s the risk it won’t even work. But the main part of today I want to write about is ones partners place in the journey of a child.

When you find out you think just about your child. You forget that to make a child you need two people. It is hard enough to find a companion in this world, but to find a companion who will also go through that as well.

I’m 24.. I have already been a step mother; I have already been engaged; I have already set myself up for starting ivf. But, now I’m having to readjust to wait. I was going to start ivf at 22. I’m ready for a child. I’m ready to find out what this hurdle brings. I’m scared it won’t work and I want to cross that sooner rather than later.

My partner is taking a much more practical approach of that we/he isn’t ready. He wants to wait 4 years. I really don’t. I feel like my heart is being ripped out again like when I first found out. There is always a reason why not. I cannot even begin to explain how much I want to be moving forward to this, but I can’t. Instead I have to keep going with the endless hope. I’m the endless guilt and unknown. I’m ready. But he isnt. How can one overcome that? 

I really want my mum to surrogate but she is getting older and time is slipping away. What if I miss that opportunity. What if that is my opportunity of a child and that special relationship slipping away. 

I’m terrified. I this is such a critical time for me and I have to have something that works. My partner says we cannot give a child everything, but I can. I can give it so much love it is unreal. 

How does one unscramble the thoughts of practicality, sense and feelings. What should I do? I wish I had the answers

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