As I promised in my last post I am going to start posting regularly. I have even been diligent enough To put an alarm on my phone.
I am currently away skiing this week. Even while in this beautiful environment the thoughts of IVF are never far away. How can you distract yourself?
I must admit i am finding skiing hard especially on the muscles. Part of me is just finding it hard that I cannot do it and am stupidly linking it to my feelings of inadequacy relating to MRKH.
I know it is wrong to link these but when yourself worth is already delicate this is just increasing the anxiety.
I hate the waiting of IVF. I remember when I first got diagnosed and the waiting between appointments and the unknow future was torture. The start of this journey feels very similar but this time there is a lot of finances at stake.
Within my district the NHS ccg has decided they are not going to give me any funding support. I have queried and other people do get cycles on the NHS. Why do I not?
Why am I being doubly punished. I understand that the NHS is struggling but i pay my taxes as same as the next person. Therefore, why should i not get the same service. I just want equality and I do not see why that is unreasonable.
These feelings are killing me. The fact that i went cold turkey on my antidepressants is just hard. People say I am more alive but I do not feel it. Anything slightly hard and I just cannot do it. It is a constant battle now, not just to deal with the “normal” MRKH feelings but the others on top.
I do hope that I will feel better especially when I get back to my home comforts and I deal with my issues of not feeling good enough and seclusion.
There will be an end and I cannot wait to start the process as at the end of the day it is exciting.
Thank you for reading. Please do feel free to message or share your feelings.