The thoughts that never far away

As I promised in my last post I am going to start posting regularly. I have even been diligent enough To put an alarm on my phone.

I am currently away skiing this week. Even while in this beautiful environment the thoughts of IVF are never far away. How can you distract yourself? 

I must admit i am finding skiing hard especially on the muscles. Part of me is just finding it hard that I cannot do it and am stupidly linking it to my feelings of inadequacy relating to MRKH.

I know it is wrong to link these but when yourself worth is already delicate this is just increasing the anxiety.

I hate the waiting of IVF. I remember when I first got diagnosed and the waiting between appointments and the unknow future was torture. The start of this journey feels very similar but this time there is a lot of finances at stake.

Within my district the NHS ccg has decided they are not going to give me any funding support. I have queried and other people do get cycles on the NHS. Why do I not?

Why am I being doubly punished. I understand that the NHS is struggling but i pay my taxes as same as the next person. Therefore, why should i not get the same service. I just want equality and I do not see why that is unreasonable. 

These feelings are killing me. The fact that i went cold turkey on my antidepressants is just hard. People say I am more alive but I do not feel it. Anything slightly hard and I just cannot do it. It is a constant battle now, not just to deal with the “normal” MRKH feelings but the others on top.

I do hope that I will feel better especially when I get back to my home comforts and I deal with my issues of not feeling good enough and seclusion.

There will be an end and I cannot wait to start the process as at the end of the day it is exciting.

Thank you for reading. Please do feel free to message or share your feelings.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s