Heart broken again..

To blog today is the hardest blog yet. I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to loose that control in your life over naturally having a child.

Today I met with the ivf clinic to start the process of egg extraction. I found out that the cost of this is likely to be 5k. This was the start of my heart fracture.

The cost is so great when there’s the risk it won’t even work. But the main part of today I want to write about is ones partners place in the journey of a child.

When you find out you think just about your child. You forget that to make a child you need two people. It is hard enough to find a companion in this world, but to find a companion who will also go through that as well.

I’m 24.. I have already been a step mother; I have already been engaged; I have already set myself up for starting ivf. But, now I’m having to readjust to wait. I was going to start ivf at 22. I’m ready for a child. I’m ready to find out what this hurdle brings. I’m scared it won’t work and I want to cross that sooner rather than later.

My partner is taking a much more practical approach of that we/he isn’t ready. He wants to wait 4 years. I really don’t. I feel like my heart is being ripped out again like when I first found out. There is always a reason why not. I cannot even begin to explain how much I want to be moving forward to this, but I can’t. Instead I have to keep going with the endless hope. I’m the endless guilt and unknown. I’m ready. But he isnt. How can one overcome that? 

I really want my mum to surrogate but she is getting older and time is slipping away. What if I miss that opportunity. What if that is my opportunity of a child and that special relationship slipping away. 

I’m terrified. I this is such a critical time for me and I have to have something that works. My partner says we cannot give a child everything, but I can. I can give it so much love it is unreal. 

How does one unscramble the thoughts of practicality, sense and feelings. What should I do? I wish I had the answers

Cheer up

This week is supposedly the most depressing week of the year. I can say that I have certainly felt that way. Ever looming is the start of my ivf. I have no idea what to expect. Will the price be competitive? Will i be able to afford it? Will I need to consider making my eggs into embryos? what will that mean?

All these questions have been spinning and spinning. I know they will be answered in time, but as with many aspects of my life.. crossing bridges when they come has never been a strength of mine.

This week a group of us with MRKH have decided to meet up in Cardiff. I am looking forward to it but also worried to hear about others struggle to get funding and go through the process. I am at the start of the journey and know that there is a battle ahead. Part of me does not want to know how ferocious the battle will be.

I have finally managed to draft the letter to the ccg. I am also going to go to my mp as i cannot just sit aside will some women get IVF cycles and others do not. I pay my taxes as the next person. I understand that the NHS is stretched but I expect the same service as the next person in the country. I do not want to be discriminated against.

I have finally managed to write this letter as I have actually won one of my battles recently. The council when we bought our house put us on band c whereas others in the area are band b. I did not think that I would be able to win so this was a nice surprise. I wanted to frame it. A battle won but the war is still yet to be determined.

I am finding that pushing myself to do all this is very hard. I have become even more overly critical and pursue to be perfect. I know this is counter productive and that I should just concentrate on being happy., At the end of the day how many people at their death regret their life pressures. I doubt many.

I somehow need to learn to move forward. This process is not going to be a short one. but how does one compartmentalize without going mad. So much is riding on a few people and I have no control. I am just waiting on them to decide my fate. and to know that they have probably become desensitized with the number of people they see but I need them on my side.

I need them to be caring and motivated in order to get done what needs to be done and to give me the best opportunity of having a gorgeous baby.

a baby. I suppose it seems all so surreal to me. I cannot imagine going through surrogacy. I just am starting a journey I cannot even contemplate.

thank you for reading this week’s blog.
It will get better and we will all succeed

The thoughts that never far away

As I promised in my last post I am going to start posting regularly. I have even been diligent enough To put an alarm on my phone.

I am currently away skiing this week. Even while in this beautiful environment the thoughts of IVF are never far away. How can you distract yourself? 

I must admit i am finding skiing hard especially on the muscles. Part of me is just finding it hard that I cannot do it and am stupidly linking it to my feelings of inadequacy relating to MRKH.

I know it is wrong to link these but when yourself worth is already delicate this is just increasing the anxiety.

I hate the waiting of IVF. I remember when I first got diagnosed and the waiting between appointments and the unknow future was torture. The start of this journey feels very similar but this time there is a lot of finances at stake.

Within my district the NHS ccg has decided they are not going to give me any funding support. I have queried and other people do get cycles on the NHS. Why do I not?

Why am I being doubly punished. I understand that the NHS is struggling but i pay my taxes as same as the next person. Therefore, why should i not get the same service. I just want equality and I do not see why that is unreasonable. 

These feelings are killing me. The fact that i went cold turkey on my antidepressants is just hard. People say I am more alive but I do not feel it. Anything slightly hard and I just cannot do it. It is a constant battle now, not just to deal with the “normal” MRKH feelings but the others on top.

I do hope that I will feel better especially when I get back to my home comforts and I deal with my issues of not feeling good enough and seclusion.

There will be an end and I cannot wait to start the process as at the end of the day it is exciting.

Thank you for reading. Please do feel free to message or share your feelings.