Instead of having to take contraception, my contraception is my anti-depressants. That pill that you must remember to take otherwise you will have to face the consequences. A pill that allows you to make decisions about your life instead of nature taking its course. Both allow you have control over your life. The ironic thing being is that my pill is due to the fact I don’t have to take the contraception pill.
Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror and just wishing that my stomach would grow; that I would be sick in the mornings. This is what MRKH leaves you with. An empty whole in your psychology that can never be defined or replaced. It dominates your life. All you want is to have those jitters. Suddenly everything in the world becomes less important. Your career is not the end goal. You do not mind about your house. You want that single thing you cannot have and that many people are trying to prevent. You want that child..
We are at that time of year again where i self reflect. I started this blog almost a year ago and I haven’t been the most diligent blogger. I would love to be able to be this honest as a try to be more often but it takes me a while to sort my head out to be able to evaluate it on here.
Back in September my boyfriend split up with me, this has since spiralled several events in my life. I have spent over 4 months now running away from life and trying to find someone who loves me and will be there. I have to say the least failed at this. I have instead struggled to deal with my emotions but I would have to say that I am suceeding.
I have managed to go through the constant heart ache of falling for the wrong guys and yess I am still standing just..
I reacted, after the ex split up with me, as I knew i would. I partied my problems away. I thought that after a few months I would find someone fall in love again and settle down. I would say this hasnt happened and instead I have been lead down a path of self evaluation about myself, personality and MRKH.
I have been quiet again recently but now it the best time to restart.
I have started the process of IVF
I keep getting problems with down there and I am just terrified that something is going to happen so I am getting my eggs frozen. I have so many mixed feelings about whether this is the right thing or whether we (as humans) should be allowed to do this.
I want to have a child, but i question whether im selfish. Not because of my condition but because of the world we live in today. Do I want to bring a child into a world where a career is more important that protecting the world. Where society determines that to have emotions or feelings is wrong and to ‘not care’ is the way to be.
I sit there questioning whether in this world where energy is so precious and I want to be environmentally friendly, whether me having a child is against that. It requires technology and technology is the main cause of environmental difficulties.
These are just the minor issues of guilt before I get on to the associated feelings with MRKH. To start this process has been hard. The NHS has been harsh. There is no feeling left in the NHS. They view me as an interesting object – not a person.
Then the IVF is a totally different story. They are saying I have to pay for IVF but then they are providing the same crappy service. Why should I pay thousands for them to be unprofessional, uncaring and grumpy. They should be jumping for joy that I can actually afford to pay.
This is just my preliminary thoughts on the journey that is beginning.
I haven’t even started to consider the interaction of work who I have to keep asking whether I can take time for hospital appointments.
Next time I will give further detail.
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