Again, I have to apologise for being completely useless and not keeping up with my promise. It has been a manic couple of months.
The boyfriend I was with split up with me because he didn’t love me apparently and now for the first time in a long time I am having to contemplate the single world again.
This is not something I would say that I excel at. I like having someone there to share my life with but I would also say that it is doing me the world of good. I may be behaving like a bit of a dick currently but at least there isn’t anyone around to hurt apart from myself.
When John* (* his name has been changed to protect his identity) split with me I suddenly felt like the world was falling apart and how would I be alone. Who would want me again? The problem is that everytime I am single I do dating on the mass because I want to feel loved. I want a connection with someone and I want to be important.
I have always had a streak for rebelling but this time I was seriously hurt.
I am also being tested for conditions to do with my MRKH as I am getting darker body hair – like any of us need anything else to contend with. Don’t get me wrong I am no hairer than other women currently but it is darker than normal for me.
I have found this a massive complex to deal with. It has brought back all feelings about my MRKH and I suppose by behaviour has gone back to some of the stuff I have previously described.
This time I feel more in control then which I believe potentially makes it worse as I am aware of the damage that I am doing to myself but I have a need…and that need is to know that I will be wanted by a guy.
I am in such a weird space at the moment that I am not sure how to process it and least of all to write it down though I would really love to be able to share it.
I will in a second blog continue the story that I had got to.
Thank you for being patient