Individually sterotypical

Afternoon all,

I have just written my accountancy exams so I will have some more time to devote to my blog. I am just on the train back from the exams and am surprised I can still find the energy to type so please bear with me if there are any mistakes made.

I always find it hard to start writing the blog. I don’t want to sound silly or patronising.

I left the story just after my hospital visit to get the dilators

So I took them home in March of the year and pretty much every evening sat on them

It hurt and skin ripped but I was determined to determine to be able to be stereotyped as a ‘normal’ human being

I remember having a specific ruler and continuously measuring the length I was getting. It would have been easier if you could have somehow held the device inside and of got on with other aspects of your life instead of this intruding the in most violent way each day.

I remember the worry of whether I was doing it right and in the right place.

I year on after my diagnosis I had now got to 5cm.

I also had a relationship with a new boyfriend. I have met him a while ago and had already told him about the issues with me. (This will be a running theme). I find it a lot easier to tell people sooner rather than later. I hate the worry of “will they leave me?” I essentially have turned my condition into the relationship test. I don’t know whether this is healthy but I find it a useful way to deal with my condition. If I tell someone and they stick around, at least I know they are accepting me for me.

I was getting closer to my goal and the possibility of proving that I was ‘normal’. In no way did it occur to me that I was too young, too naive, and too immature to be considering having a sexual relationship with the opposite gender. I had one thing to prove to myself and that one thing was my motivation.

My feelings around MRKH have distorted my perceptions of reality and what relationships should be. I partly put this down to be diagnosed so young and the environment I grew up in.  I have realised through moving town in my local area that each area teenagers are very different. In Cheltenham it was normal for one to lose their virginity very young but when I moved to a different town for sixth form most girls had not even considered the idea and were starting to go through the process that I went through a couple of years prior.

I think that if I hadn’t felt so pressured to be liked and to be wanted by boys I wouldn’t have taken the path I took. I wanted to feel normal and I wanted to fit in at school.

After being with my boyfriend, George*, for two months I had started to stray. I was a pretty girl who went to a girl’s school and therefore attention from boys was a novel activity. I harshly decided that now was the time to establish I was ‘normal’ and George was the person to do it with. I trusted him and I knew he was a kind person. I wanted to get it over and done with so that I could restart this new life that had been thrown my way.  I needed to restart the journey every teenager goes on of finding out that they are.

My first time was excruciatingly painful. I felt like my insides were being ripped apart. But I was still determined to try it again in the same day. You know…. Just to prove that it work ;).

Afterwards I felt a rush of relief. Life was going to be normal. Okay it was painful and I didn’t know why people thought it was pleasurable but at least down there was now working. At least that was one goal for the future ticked off.

I still worried that guys would be able to tell. I remember asking London that quite a lot of times. I don’t think they were overly impressed with my methods and motivations but one thing I have learnt from this and from having an 11 year old step daughter when I was just 19 is that people need to find their own way.

When humans have the ability to think freely there is only so much you can do to influence. There is only so much environment and parental teachings can do. They will reduce the likelihood of the child taking certain decisions but there is always a possibility that the child will make the wrong decisions and with that possibility there is a certain reality that some children will make the wrong decision no matter what their background is.

I suppose from this particular blog entry I want you to feel that we shouldn’t feel abnormal. Okay we are different, but so are hundreds of people. We are still women. We are still beautiful and men still look at us with desire. We make decisions good and bad, but all of the above makes us into who we are today and I am not sure I want to be a women alive without having lived through the experiences my condition has presented

I lost this understanding at the age of 15. It is not something that I or anyone else can teach you. To find out who you are always a painful and rollercoaster of a journey. Even now, I am still coming to terms and learning just as much about me and my condition as that 15 year old losing her virginity to fulfil a selfish need of being accepted.

Please tune in for more

  • Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people within the story,

Continuing the story… the hospital

I left the story last after I had just found out about my condition at cheltenham hospital. I remember the journey home very clearly. I was just numb. I was scared at what this information would mean for my life.

I mean I know that I wasn’t dying, but I would have a significantly different life to that society had instigated as my expectations to that date (I could go on a political rant about sex education at schools and the norms instigated in children at a young age… but I think for this one I will have to step aside to enable the story to continue)

Upon arriving home I just wanted to go to bed. Dad came outside the house and I saw that he had been crying. Mum was just babbling beside me at how she would look it all up and that we would get it sorted no matter what. I was too tired and too moody to correct her at the time that things may not be able to be sorted.

For a young teenager to finally have an answer to her worries since she was 8 years old, it was a relief but also a confirmation of my differences. I knew that it would not be received positively among my peers. There was enough sniggering about transsexuals and people born of both genders as it was.

Cheltenham hospital wanted to perform surgery to have a look inside to see what I actually had. It was really an experiment for the doctor who saw me. I was her first case. My mother looked up the 3 clinics for the condition across the UK and they had to argue with Cheltenham to not have unnecessary surgery.

So I started going to London. I first time we went up was just to get information and the condition confirmed.

I think I spent most of my appointments and days before the appointments crying in anticipation.

I just didn’t understand fully what this was going to mean. All these doctors looking at my vagina. I was so young to have such privacy uncovered. And then to realize that I couldn’t have sex. The major teenage pressure and topic of conversation at school and there was I knowing I was not the same.

This set some deep emotional scarring that I believe to this day I have not fully got over.

I had an MRI and I was one of the lucky ones where no other complications came up. Then there was the discussion about how to treat the most imminent problem of MRKH….. Sex…

I knew one thing. I had a boyfriend and if everything had been okay I would of, at 14, have lost my virginity already. My boyfriend and I could not understand why I could organism through clitoral stimulation but not have sex. Part of me at first thought that maybe sex would be possible. Maybe my worries were just me worrying. But no it didn’t work. Luckily the guy was pretty amazing and mature for his age and we are still friends.

The hospital in London wanted me to wait till I was legally able. I didn’t. Looking back and having the experiences I have had now and seeing other 14 years old I know I wasn’t ready. But, I was old enough to make my own choices and those choices had to be made. I don’t think I could of coped with being refused the possibility of being ‘normal’. They say that this isn’t a good motivation for dilation but it was this motivation that got me through. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to cross off one of the problems that had been thrust in my ways.

I was grieving the loss of my uterus without the full understand of what that meant. I was 14, I didn’t know what it was to have a child. I just grieved what I thought was normal in life.

I would like to take this opportunity to emphasize to any MRKH girl that is reading this that you have the choice whether to have children in this life whether you have MRKH or not. Never feel like you should be pushed into wanting a certain way of life. Life does not have to be as we are streamed into set paths.

So I sat on the hospital bed in London with pink plastic dilators being shown how to use them. Everyday you have to spend 20 mins putting pressure in the right place to encourage the tissue to tear and then grow new tissue. This would effective create a ‘real’ vagina out of the correct tissue that was already present. All the gland that make you wet where all present, just needed somewhere for the penis to go.

I would say that these plastic inserts are both my best friend and my worst enemy. They caused me pain, grief, humiliation but they also gave me such understanding of my body and me. Please read my next blog for further insight into the next stage of my journey.

Catch up 2 … i know I haven’t been great

I know that i need to start actually documenting more. I have just been having my accountancy exams and splitting with my fiancee so it has been difficult to actually sit down and get writing.  It is also quite an emotional journey to open up like this to effectively the world. Letting people (even though anonymously) see a part of me that I only tell my friends. It is a part of me that i rarely sit and fully discuss my feelings.

I will finish this blog and then start going back to my original story as I am aware that I haven’t got very far and as y story is starting to move into a different phase of the psychology of MRKH I feel that I do actually need to get a shift on.