Sorry I have been quiet on this front. I found starting my story harder than I expected. I had my accountancy exams at the time and I found that I could not do both. It is amazing how my MRKH can take up my thoughts.
I know I am still half way through my starting story but this blog is not going to focus on that. It is going to focus on my current life. Sometimes I think that my life can seem like I am living a soap opera. I am an emotionally sensitive person and I continuously have to battle with what is reality and what is my emotions getting the better of me.
I am engaged but currently this is more difficult than I expected. Home life is difficult as had to move with my fiance home to my parents. This is bringing all its own challenges. What with my grandfather suffering for dementia and becoming very violent. My father cannot decide if he can maintain the relationship with my mother.
So it is all going on at the moment. This is a brief over view, but you are probably sitting there thinking what does this have to do with MRHK.. Well a lot..
I find that sometimes I feel like there is a ticking clock for me to become a Mum. Surrogacy is so hard and mentally challenging and I worry that what is the IVF doesn’t work. My mother said that she would try and carry for me which is such a gift. But with my parents and my grandfather, she has become very unwell and that is the last thing I can ask her to do at the moment. With my Dad threatening to walk out which would mean we woul have to sell all the assets, tensions have become pretty strained between me and him.
I find myself rather resentful to the fact that he isnt stepping up to help my mum and this is affecting her health and then selfishly I feel this is affecting my chances for children. I mean I always plan to adopt bu I do want to try for a child of my own as well.
So how does one overcome the natural jealously and selfishness that I find with trying to combat the fallabilities that MRKH brings to my personality. I cannot answer. I thought at one point that I had moved forward and found a direction in which to battle and continue to strive…
MRKH has provided me with some gifts – the ability to shut off emotion… I remember the hurt I went through when I first found out. The only way I managed to get through was to shut off and try and enjoy what was there. Some say that this is not the most healthy way to deal with things but it is to a certain etent out of my control. I cannot affect my MRKH so how can I deal with these emotions. How can one accept that the majority of the female population can concieve so easily. Why was I singled out to carry this pressure?
This is just a blog for you to get to understand me a bit more. I will continue on with my sorry gradually, but there is more to MRKH than just the past. I don’t think a day goes by where is does not come up in my mind even if I don’t consciously realize this.