Reflecting back to the start of this tale 6 years ago has provoked a lot of thought in me. I am lucky enough that I wrote a lot of the experience down in diaries and therefore, I intend to (although it will be challenging) provide you (the reader) with real extracts from these diaries.
Before continuing the story I would like to thank the support I have already received only 1 day into this adventure in itself of going back and reflecting on painful, dark memories.
I left part 1 in the family doctors being examined. This was a humbling experience for a 14 year old. Since I started growing pubic hair I had been conscious about this area. I obsessively shaved the area through shame and my concerns did not inhibit these teenage worries. The knowledge and deep down un-wanting belief that I want “not right” plagued my thoughts every day at this age. This was my first experience of anxiety and depression, which were only to become every more prominent as time continued.
I lay on the bed with no pants on and a blanket over my middle. I lay back and the doctor lit up my private parts. I remember gripping the sides and closing my eyes. I was crying through embarrassment. My mother held my hand and I wished myself away.
I had my first boyfriend at the time. To this point I had only ever kissed boys. I was too scared to let anything else occur in case they noticed what I did.
I tried to think of him at the time.
Once this oh so delightful experience was over I got dressed and went to sit on the chair in front of the doctors computer. After she had washed her hands of the sterile, procedural nature of the examination. She joined my mother and i.
She explained that there was a problem and that she could not access my vagina. I was to be referred to the hospital for a further examination…
I sat there listening to the words…
Oh No.. I was right flooded my mind..
We returned home and life continued with constant nag in the background of the unknown.
I am currently seeing my step-daughter of 14 and a half years old experience the up and downs of teen years. I find it hard to believe that I was on the brink of an experience that would heavily influence my decision and thought process for the rest of my life. I look at her and her concerns about school and boys, the normal concerns of a teenager and I fully understand why I chose the paths I later decided upon.
This moment was so critical and at the time I was so unaware of myself, my emotions or my needs. I was left as a young girl to start to process a reality many do not have to face..