At the age of 14 years old I was referred to Cheltenham General Hospital for an ultrasound and an examination. On the morning I woke up from a dream of the fore-coming visit.
At the age of 14 I did not fully understand the circumstances of life as I do now at the age of 22. I knew that I wanted kids when I was older, but that was more because it was the thing to do. We are all prescribed and influence to follow a certain way of life.
This article I came across in my explore through Geography at University highlights this point very well.
At 14 I think I was more concerned with the prescribed idea that females should have children than the fact of actually understanding what it meant to have a child and be a parent.
My mum came with me to the appointment. I still remember walking through the hospital to the gynecology area hidden towards the back. I remember walking through the empty cafeteria, wishing I could be somewhere else. They started with an ultrasound.
The ultrasound in itself is rather ironic while reminiscing. On a sad note it will be the only one I can have. The only time I get to even look at the screen and pretend that I am carrying my future. I remember the jellying being cold and feeling very awkward – like I had been a naughty teenager and had got pregnant underage. After about 10 minutes of the nurse silently looking at the screen she hurried out.
I looked at mum in disbelief – what was happening? What was wrong? Why weren’t they talking to me and explaining? I was just left there on the bed …. waiting for the truth be to passed over to me in their own sweet time. Upon re-entry I asked what was wrong. They were very vague and said that they couldn’t seem to find my uterus. I was literally like… what??
what has happened to it?
It can’t not be there?
I am a women – of course I have a uterus.
That was the extent of the explanation at this stage. I was rather distressed and confused. My mum and I went to the waiting room to statically wait to see the consultant.
After 10 minutes or so we were called through. She said that she wanted to examine me. Yes I had the delight of going through the mortifying experience for a teenager again. Especially as I was feeling so vulnerable and confused at the time.
I got redressed and she sat us down.
“Lara, I think you have rokitansky”
I was like whhhaatt doeesss thattt meeaaannn (shaking).
She went into detail like a talking textbook. I sat there in silent letting the words wash over me. Understanding was now a past desire. All i wanted to do was run from this reality.
I didn’t want to be the ‘abnormal’ teenager. I didn’t want to be the girl who could have sex. The girl who wasn’t ‘normal’.
Mum continued to act proactively and ask questions about our position and what happened now.
The doctor mentioned that I would need investigatory surgery. This was the first condition of this kind she had ever seen. She wanted me to become her investigatory specimen.
At this point I excused myself from the room and ran outside. I sat on the bench outside the hospital and cried. I cried and cried and cried.
For a teenager this seems the most abnormal thing in the world. I wasn’t taught in sex education classes that differences occurred. All i had heard about was peers making crude jokes about men who were women and vice versa. I sat there horrified with what I was. It didn’t make sense. I was so normal on the outside. Just like any other self-conscious teenager.
Yes itsss KEVIN.. My mum always told me I was like this 😉
I went to the car and found mum. We just both hugged and cried.